And God Said “Let There Be Light!”

And there was light...

My husband and I closed on our home on Dec. 30^th.  Since that time we have slowly been working to make the house our home.  One thing that had to go was this chandelier.  I am pretty sure this thing is circa 1998.  See…..

So that’s when I saw a chandelier that I loved!  See it here. Only problem is that it cost $395 plus $28 in shipping (that’s $423 for all you non-math whizzes out there).  And I said, um…no.  But luckily I found DIY instructions and voilà!, I had a chandelier.

The lights off view...

 The lights on view....

The close up...

It cost me about $90 dollars to make.  I call that a successful day.  [Pat on the back].  

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other Thing

If you can’t remember the classic Sesame Street Song, please see this video. 

Last night my husband and I were laying in bed.  He has embarked upon a year long journey to read the Bible chronologically, so needless to say, most of his reading time is consumed by the Bible, as it was last night.  However, I was not in a reading mood, so I flipped on the television and found Dane Cook on comedy central.  Needless to say, it was hilarious, but definitely vulgar.  And as I lay there watching raunchy comedy and my husband lay next to me reading the Bible, I couldn’t help but sing in my head: 

“One of these things is not like the other thing.”

I have another life situation where this song fits in perfectly.  First of all, to most of the people who have known me for any length of time, you are well aware that for many years I traveled the spectrum of beliefs ranging form agnostic to atheist.  And for those of you who didn’t know, welcome to the club, now you do.

My husband was the one who actually lead me to God, a gift that I will surely never be able to repay, but even after God and I had been introduced, I was afraid to let everyone else know that God was my new main man.  Were people going to think I was hypocritical?  That I was crazy?  I had spent years being both angry and indifferent to religion, so I did what any person in my position would do, I began to lead a double life. 

Life #1:  I would go to church.  I found a group of amazing people to relate to and help me learn about God.  I read my bible.  I kept a prayer journal.  I believed in God.

Life #2:  God who?

I was so caught up in what this world was going to do to me if I revealed my ultimate secret: I believe in God. 

The mere fact that I am writing this post must have tipped you off by this point that I had a change of heart.  It wasn’t anything spectacular, just something I read one night: 

“Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”  Matt 10:37 – 38

And that’s when I started to sing:

“One of these things is not like the other thing.”

I had been living two contrasting lives.  Very different and very wrong.  What had God done that I should be ashamed of Him and deny knowing Him?  Nothing.  What had I done to shame God? LOTS! But He still calls me His daughter.

Headdesk

Let me tell you a story:

The Pharisees are angry.  Jesus is preaching about the Jewish regulations on food and drink.  He is saying that it is not what you eat that makes you unclean, rather what comes out of your mouth (Matt 15:10-11).  Then he provides his disciples with a parable:

“Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots.  Leave them: they are blind guides.  If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into the pit” (Matt 15:13 – 14)

This is a fairly popular parable, but it is what happens next that struck me.  Peter needs additional clarification.  He asks Jesus to explain and Jesus responds:

“Are you still so dull?” 

Yes, Jesus asks Peter, “Are you still so dull?”  I think that Jesus’ response may be equivalent to the modern day *Headdesk* 

Headdesk

-       verb.  When one’s head connects with a desk expressing frustration or disbelief. 

Perhaps Jesus was a little frustrated that Peter, who had already traveled throughout Israel with him listening to his parables, still needed an explanation.  Sometimes I think Jesus has the same feelings towards my life.  I spent years denying Jesus.  Denying his role as the Son of Man, denying that there even existed a God.  Denying.  And then, even when I started to believe, I fought to keep my will.  I said, “Sure, I will believe in God, but I am still going to do whatever I want!” 

And that’s when Jesus performed the most epic of headdesks.  I can just imagine Jesus, in all his glory, shaking his head and thinking, “Meagan, you know the answer.  You know the way.  Why do you keep fighting it? *Headdesk*”

I’d like to think my life is so different now.  Now that I believe in God.  Now that I believe I have turned my will over to Him, but maybe I am just lying to myself.  I have prayed for answers, and when I didn’t get the answer that I wanted, I would say,

“Lord, I can do this myself.”

And my perfect Father would shake his head and respond,

“Are you still so dull?” 

Where Is My Worth?

Lately, God has been pushing me to examine my self-worth.  He has brought it to my attention in so many different ways, that I can no longer just be stubborn and ignore Him.  I have been like a petulant child with my fingers in my ears, singing the most obnoxious song at the top of my lungs, hoping that His prompting would stop.  Unfortunately, I have learned that God is much louder than I can ever hope to be.

For months I have struggled with the fact that I am unemployed.  I have avoided bringing it up in conversations, I have tried to cut off ties with my successfully employed friends. I was embarrassed, sure that someone was judging me as an epic fail of a person.  Fear began to rise in my chest as I convinced myself that my husband was starting to resent me, and that he somehow held more power in our marriage because he brought home a paycheck.  As my stupid human mind began to spin out of control I asked myself: What is my worth if I have no job?  If there is no one to evaluate my performance?  If I don’t bring home a paycheck?  Am I a lesser partner in marriage?

This is the point when my beautifully wise husband said to me, “Meagan, do not get so caught up in this world.”  And the truth of it rang in my ears.  I can’t take a job title or cars or clothes or a house to stand before my Father.  My worth to God is not found in a hairstyle or designer jeans.  My worth is found in the blood of Christ, who would rather die than to live without me.  I am so valuable, so worthy, so loved in the eyes of a perfect God that He would send his only son to die for me.  That is more worth and value than I can ever hope to receive from a job. 

And so I ask, if you were to be stripped of your job title, would you find yourself worthless?  If you lost your home? If you could only wear clothes from Good Will?  If you got a divorce? Would you still have self-worth?  I hope so, because while I know the truth, I continue to struggle.  Everyday I must be reminded that my worth is not dependent on this world.

I have worth simply because I am me and God loves me.  

Just Google It!

Everybody has problems, questions, issues.  We wake up each morning to a new set of challenges, and everyday we are expected to face the gauntlet of life.  There are the little problems, like what am I going to eat when I haven’t gone grocery shopping in a week, and there are the more significant issues, like I have to give a presentation at work today, or I have to make some hard financial decisions.  So how do you go about tackling these situations?  Where do you turn for answers?

Now, I have come to realize that there are generally two answers to any situation.  The first answer to a problem or question is “Google it.” For example,

What is the opposite of war? Google it.

Can blind people see their dreams? Google it.

How do I control-alt-delete on a Mac?  I can never remember!! Just Google it. 

Can I meet Justin Bieber?  [Facepalm!] Why would you want to? But, maybe.  Google it. 

Are vampires real? No, but millions of pre-teen girls wish they were.  Don’t believe me, Google it.

Is black a color? Black is the absence of color, so no, not a color.   But how did I know that, Google it!

Why do we believe someone when they say there are billions of stars in the sky, but if they tell you there is wet paint we have to touch it? I don’t know! Google it! 

Google has a wealth of knowledge, however, I would argue that Google doesn’t have all the answers.  The other answer to daily questions and problems is “God.” 

What should I do about my marriage? Ask God.

How can I be a good parent? God knows.

I am terrified of going to this job interview.  Turn to God. 

Should I buy a home? Ask God.

I can’t seem to find my keys.  Pray to God, then check the fridge.  Classic spot for keys, post grocery store trip. 

For the most part, I find that I am a do-it-myself kind of girl.  I won’t bother God with my issues until they have become so out of control that the world is threatening to spin off its axis.  Why not go to Him first?  Why not give Him my problems before they become unmanageable?  I know the right way to go about it, but everyday I need to be reminded that I can’t do it myself.  While dependent is typically seen as a negative word, I would like to strive to be more dependent on God.  Yes, I would like to be more dependent. 

What Do I Deserve?

What do you deserve as a “good” human being?  Do you deserve to have a good job?  Do you deserve to be happy?  Do you deserve to find a loving spouse? To start a family?  To own a home? To go on trips?  Have you ever thought to yourself, I am a good person, I deserve this?  I have, but am I right to do so?  It’s not really a question I have a solid answer to.  I have been blessed with a home and a loving husband, but I have not been blessed with a job.  Am I deserving of some things and not others?  So I ask, what do we deserve as God’s children?

God gives us mercy and grace with no price, but do we deserve it? God gave us His only son as a free ticket into his kingdom, but did we earn it? We are a broken world full of sinful creatures.  We are blasphemous, we are proud, we hate and we curse those who are different than us.  What have we done to earn His love?  Nothing.  He loves us regardless of our flaws and faults.  He thinks we are beautiful even when our souls are ugly and torn. 

God gave us a love that our stupid human minds have yet to even comprehend, but do we deserve more?  I am from the school of thought that everything I have received and have yet to receive is from Him.  This house I am sitting in would never have been purchased without God, but did I deserve it or did He give it to me simply because He loves me?

If I had to come up with an answer I would say we don’t deserve the love He has given us, but God is so infinitely good that He gave it anyway.  He sees value in us even when we are wretched, He knows our worth when we don’t know it ourselves, and that’s why I love my God.  

So what do we deserve as God’s children?  Perhaps nothing, I don’t really know, but He has found it in His heart to give us everything.